A Letter to an Old Friend

Dear Loneliness,

It has been quite a while…

Remember those many nights we spent together, discovering each other’s boundaries? Remember how incredulous I was in thinking you were any good for me? How often I spited you and wished you away? Remember how you wanted to embrace me, cradle me to sleep and hum those soft lullabies in utter silence? How harrowing it was for me to fall asleep without the sweet whisper of an angel that used to tuck me away for 18 years. I would cast a pull over your attempts, and play those movies filmed across town or croon myself to sleep muffling the silence with John Mayer, or his likes.

Remember those days when all I saw were the blue and gold colors, walking up and down Gayley Avenue? I memorized every crack along the way and every step retraced the day before. I remember looking over my shoulder hoping you would leave me alone, but you were there just like a shadow, blending every now and again with the shadows cast by the trees from the Pacific sun- but never too far out of sight. Even when I had company, sometimes you would brazenly appear, unannounced and uninvited. “Can’t you see I have company, how about you just take off and take this crippling feeling you give me with you.” I would whisper that to you- in between me listening to my friend’s complaints- but you were staunch and I had meek attempts at shooing you away.

I miss you though- you don’t come around as often any more. My mind has no time to wonder off like it used to- and when it does it often creates more of a mess than a resolve, and so I have learnt to switch off. I realize now that I was harsh in calling you loneliness- you are Solitude, masked in layers of loneliness, but when peeled, you are actually not so bitter. You surprisingly have a comforting feeling – I just needed to understand you rather than try to run away from you.

I don’t think I could relive those 90024 days, nor that I could have you as a lifelong companion- but don’t be so afraid to stop by every once in a while.

Love,

Celine

P.S. Take care of him.