Guilty, as Charged?

“I wont be held responsible… we fell in love in the first place”- Freshmen, Verve Pipe

That single line is playing in my mind on loop, but it somehow is loosing its meaning, and actually managing to reverse it’s self to “I have to be held responsible”. And then it sunk in like a ton of bricks in an unfathomable ocean, and cut me deep, like a knife was drawn into my stomach and twisted till my intestines made gory churning sounds- beautiful morning imagery.

My coffee this morning tastes less coffee like, and my colleagues usual morning intrigues and jokes have not so much as humored me. My email inbox is flooded with emails with all those “!” red explanation marks, like the subject matter is one of life or death… Well I have a huge red explanation mark hovering over my head, who is going to reply to the urgency of my matter?! Of course no one can, because I am held responsible, I am held accountable.

Guilt is just a matter of how you look at things- you could be held accountable but not be feeling guilty. If you rationalize it in a way where it was just an opportunity cost, then you can move on with your day without a care in the world, because chances are you are not going to finish the food on that plate because even though there are kids starving in Africa (and actually in the poor neighborhood of the cities we reside in) you won’t forgo an extra calorie intake because that guilt supersedes the guilt of throwing away food. So this is one way of rationalizing accountability and guilt.

This wasn’t my dilemma, my dilemma is far more of a personal matter, but if I were to choose to rationalize it from a selfish point of view then this entire thought process would have been non-blog worthy, but the thing is I somehow can’t let go of the guilt, I can’t let go at the etching away at my soul, to the point where my dreams (my only escape from reality) are infested with the same guilt inside. And so I need at outlet (as public as this outlet may be), and may be I need to figure out how best to rationalize my guilt so that “I wont be held responsible- we fell in love in the first place”.