Certainty?

I used to approach things with certainty, knowing exactly what I wanted the outcome to be, and I knew exactly how to go for the kill. I was like a sniper; the target was in clear sight, sharp focus, my whole being was aligned to make the shot, and with one pull of the trigger, it was a done deal. My mission was accomplished and onto the next.

I wasn’t a free spirit, I was a spirit that wanted freedom and sought ways to accomplish it. All my means are directed towards an end; the variable being the mean the given was the end. It was very mechanical, not to say emotions weren’t involved, they were, but my life was a series of logical seamless transitions until senior year of college. Everything changed then. The sharp focus I once had became pixilated by random spurs of events, I couldn’t find an end let alone justify the means to achieving them, my whole being was out of balance, and I was treading on a high wire with no clown dressed in a fireman’s outfit holding out a trampoline to catch me incase I fell.

How did I get there on that high wire knowing very well I wasn’t an acrobat? I let love in. I let myself know that free falling was just as adventurous as making a one hit kill. The adrenalin, the rush, the excitement all came from uncertainty, because for once in my life I didn’t know what to expect, nor was there a defined end goal.

Lesson learned, no more free falling.

The greatest virtue (and vice) of time is its ability to teach you a lesson or two (or gives you a crash course). It puts things on a scale chronologically ordering your life into dateable sequences of events. But to treat time as traceable is a crazy thought, because that makes time, a boundless endless intangible unstoppable force a mechanism for finding a fixed point. It’s a system that gives you the ability to pin point exactly when something happened, or when you want something to happen. And if I were to go back to the focused, headstrong person I once was then time is only a mechanism for fixating certainty. With certainty you can date things, you make a plan, you draw it out and you stick to it. In other words you mark your calendar. Usually you can’t mark, “Fall in Love”, “Learn a Life Lesson”, “Take a Risk” on dates (uncertain events), but things like, “Due date for law school application”, “Finish reading book”, “Learn how to cook” (certain things) you can mark.

I am not sure that I am ready to go back to the certainty, because in the great abyss of uncertainty I have found that my actions are not deterring me from my focus, but are teaching me a lesson I would otherwise never have learnt.

So may be the real lesson learned, is to free fall, may be train myself to be a flexbile acrobat!