Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Skinning the Wolf

After watching Wolf of Wall Street I have one thing to say about life on Wall Street: it is just like a Frat house with a Black American Express card. Welcome to the $$$ brotherhood.

The lavish spending, the class A drugs, the sex with whores and reckless hedonism became a lifestyle synonymous with traders on Wall Street; a lifestyle paid for by the hard earned dollars or family inheritance of clients. For traders the larger the spread the bigger the champagne bottle being popped and splashed.

To be a top dog in trading or as a broker you had to know how to handle your clients, or else you would end up working for a rating agency, as Michael Lewis describes in his book, The Big Short, the “rejects of Wall Street”. You also had to be familiar with the three blows on Wall Street: cocaine, job and “blow me”. You basically had to be a shark, or else get out of the tank because you will be eaten alive by one.

The sad part is I used to look up to those people. Wondering how they had so much talent and made so much money… I went to a house party in London and each person’s CV outshone the other both in terms of companies, JP Morgan, Citi and the like, to job positions, CDO trader and Senior FX trader. I left disgusted. Trips to the bathroom in pairs wasn’t because one needed to wipe the other person’s ass, it was to snort cocaine together. Work hard, party harder? I couldn’t fathom myself a part of this social circle.

I commend Jordan Belfort for having the guts to spill the beans on what really goes on inside the Wall Street skyscrapers and Park Lane penthouses . He pulled no punches describing in detail how self-indulgent, destructive and out of control he and his fellow suited bandits became. Perhaps his tell-all book was his way of repenting, or else it can be taken as a cautionary tale of what could happen to you if engulfed by the megalomania capitalists in suit and ties or pin skirts and Hermes purses.






Friday, December 13, 2013

The Confessional

This is why friends are the cheapest therapists.... I was there to hear her out not to make her feel better, but just to let her feel... So this is a blueprint of her thoughts and feelings.
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Do you love him?

What kind of question is that?
….
I want to know your answer, do you love him?

Every bone in my body, every aching heartbeat, every butterfly flutter in my tummy, every tear shed, screams how much I do. I love him.

I hate it when others call me beautiful because I just want him to say it.
I hate being touched by another man; I cringe at the thought of it.
I fight the feeling, day and night, but I can’t shake him out.
How can you shake out your own soul? Tell me how?!
….

But…
….

I don’t want anyone to tell me to get over him. To get over it.
I can’t get over the person I inhale and exhale.
Even when he looks at me with those deep set brown eyes, I melt
He melts me
I love him.

I see…

Then there are those fleeting moments. Where I catch him staring at me
It’s like time stops there and then, and I envision it
I envision sleeping beside him, having his babies, carrying his name
I would give up everything you know
Everything
I would sleep on the streets if need be.


Yes, I know. I really do.


And don’t tell me I am crazy
I know I can be pathetic at times 
Yes i admit it
But I crave him
Yes crave.
I just want to scream at him and tell him "You are man enough!"
"Let me be The Woman to that man that you are"
But he’s stubborn

Well…

….

Not much I can do.
I can’t say this to him. I can’t confess it.
Is this my confessional?


I’ll take out my pen and paper.


Thank you I probably won’t remember it in the morning.


I’ll make sure you do.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Goodbye Jeddah...


Dear Jeddah,

It’s hard to sit behind my laptop writing to you, because all at once I feel like leaving you will to be one of the hardest things I ever have to do.

So perhaps I shouldn’t begin by saying goodbye but by thanking you…

Thank you for the best and worst times of my life; thank you for five years of laughs, tears, memories and thank you most of all for the experience. I leave you, dearest Jeddah, stronger, wiser and more inquisitive. I leave you with ever more of an open mind and a careful heart. I leave behind some of the finest people I have met, and my better halves: my family, so please Jeddah be kind to them. I can only hope when you remember me you remember a girl who loved to smile and talk, who tried to succeed at everything she put her mind to and a girl who remained faithful and loyal to those she cared about the most. I may have cursed you and hurt you, for that I am sorry Jeddah, because as difficult and closed off as you may be at times, you are still my home… and I know no other place to call home.

But Jeddah, I am ready to leave you, not to start over, but to start new; not to forget but to build from everything you taught me. I am ready for the next big move- and I am ready, all thanks to YOU.

Please don’t forget me!

Goodbye…

All my love,
Celine

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Cigarette Dance

Click. Flame. Burn. Inhale. Pause.
Puff.
Nicotine burns the body while smoke floods the air diffusing in an orchestrated dance
Defying gravity, pushing higher, further, until it pollutes the air
Filth.
But there is something there; you can trace out figurines
Like cloud spotting in fast motion… one form infusing into the next
Watch the hoops form and break
into ballerina slipper ribbons
Drag.
Repeat.
The smoke thickens into a hovering layer… the dance is almost tribal now
Bursting with more energy from each exhale
Ash.
Repeat.
Saturated movement in a satiating state of completeness
A dark halo lingers concealing light
Final drag.
Exhale.
Burn out.





Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Stolen Moments

Living for stolen moments means you are denying yourself the reality of living, because instead of creating a life you are holding onto empty hope that the next stolen moment will come- but once it does, you are left with a memory, not a building block.... and if it doesn't come then you are statue eroded by time. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Letter to my unborn...


Letter to my unborn...

I am afraid to bring you into this dark world where even man is afraid of the light. I am afraid to bring you into an age of dissonance to bring you into a life filled with strife and bloodshed where more anger is being sewn.

I can shield you from the world as an infant, my dear, and hideaway my tears when I know of another explosion that shook the cities of Damascus or Beirut. I can deny that more people are dying when you ask me what’s on the news … but what happens when you grow up? Will you be another martyr in the hands of bloody murders?

 I don’t want to bring you up in a world where I have to tell you the difference between Christian, Muslim, Jew or Druze… I can’t lie and say they are your brothers and sisters, because family sticks together, not tear each other apart. How can I explain barbarism to you, how can I explain terrorism and assassinations and brutal murder? How can I explain that through God’s words, Christ’s sacrifice and teachings of prophets we have learnt nothing more than killing and separating and hating?

Forgive me if I don’t have the courage to raise you in world where a nightmare has become a bottomless reality, where we are victims of fundamentalist murders and ignorant masses...

This Arab Spring has turned into a desolate cold winter, my dear unborn… and I just don’t have the will power to wrap you in my arms and tell you, “I have brought you into a beautiful world”.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

To My Arab Brother and Sister....ENOUGH!


ENOUGH!
Enough humility and shame.
Enough separation and degradation
Enough destruction
Enough pointing fingers and throwing blames and creating conspiracy theories  
Enough bloodshed
Enough tears over innocent lives that should have never been lost
Enough arming yourself and killing your neighbor
Enough instability
Enough wars at home
Enough wars in the streets
Enough talk of religious “right” and “wrong”

I have said it before, and I will say it again, while the world moves forward, we will spin in a circle, and we will continue to be bound by this destructive centripetal force so long as our ignorance shall prevail. 

The Cee

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