Sometimes life throws curveballs your way and you are expected to deal with that situation on the spot… or more like try to wrap your head around the situation. As dark, cringing and deeply twisted as this situation may be the best you can do is make light of it. You can try to label it, decompose it, reverse engineer it, flip it inside out and upside down, but it’s like one of those abstract avant guarde paintings that just don’t make sense no matter which way you turn it. Whatever happened to classical paintings? So best tip is laugh about it, because laughter can turn into hysteria, and that’s always better than crying hysteria
Monday, April 9, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
The Break Up Chronicles
These are snippets of break up stories that I have seen, heard or lived through. I decided to keep the guy perspectives and stories out because who am I really to understand men in a break up? It's fascinating how much more emotion goes into a break up sometimes then there ever was in the actual relationship.
…There he was. Her elegance gave way to a quivered hand shake and quick gasp of breath before she leaned in for a kiss on the cheek and the saving face smile, “how have you been?” She really didn’t want to know if he was doing well or terribly, she wanted an exit and she wanted it quick. She swiftly maneuvered herself away trying to brush off the tears that hung close to the fake lashes and the black eyeliner. “Don’t make a mess of things”, she told herself, “carry your pride higher than your hurt and you will be able to move on”.
…He never got back to her… She waited in a frantic state of existence, pacing around, holding the cell phone, throwing it on her bed, biting at the ends of her fingers, then picking it back up again and this time throwing her listless body on the bed with the phone tightly clasped between her hands. Nothing for months happened. The sobering thought of his disappearance from her life just made her want to drunkenly forget. There was sadness in every gulp of vodka. At this point she didn’t know if she was punishing herself or crying out for his attention.
…From summer fling to a new thing, she tried everything in her power to get over him. But as weeks grew to months his thought never escaped her mind. Did she just leave behind the best love? She spoke of him to others like he was still hers, often using the present tense rather that the past to describe what he does, what he likes and what his quirky habits are. When you speak in the present of a past is that the heart saying you still want him, or is that the mind playing tricks on you?
…Those hands that she once held, lips she once kissed and eyes she once gazed into are no longer hers. Why did she allow herself to imagine him with another woman, making her laugh, smile, and feel the way she once did around him? “He belongs to me” she repeated to herself over and over as tears trickled down her skin and onto the pillow. The dark room didn’t help, the music didn’t help, and the emptiness in her heart didn’t help. Only time would.
What happened to the man she used to look up to? He dissolved with a glass of Grey Goose and every drag of the cigarette. She thought it was a temporary escape away from the wraps of the real world he is still adjusting to. Of course everything was a lot easier when all you had to do in college is just pass the class and the night was your mistress. She stood by him then, and she stood by him now. But she cannot stand by him any more.
“And then what?” the dreaded three words her friend asked her. “…and then we lived happily ever after. And you got to be the maid of honor” she wanted to reply to her. But she couldn’t bring herself to say that, because what good are her dreams without a man willing to extend that kind of a promise to her? But the seed of doubt was planted, and she couldn’t help but wonder every night, “and then what?” She became neurotic and anxious around him, throwing out subtle insinuations here and there, beginning to doubt herself as being “not good enough” beginning to doubt if he ever truly loved her, “what if there is someone else?” Her neurosis drove him further away, he sensed something was amiss, but he never asked what it was, he knew exactly, and he didn’t have the answer to “and then what?”
…She sat in the widow seat, face pinned to the double glazed glass staring at the memories she was about to leave behind. This was it, the finale. She didn’t even notice the in-flight safety video playing in the background, all she could see were the tears cascading down her face and collecting onto her new scarf, all she could hear was his voice babying her. She picked up her phone, and dialed his number, she wanted him to hear her pain through the muted conversation of sobs and jet engine roars. The tears wouldn’t stop and nor would this feeling of helplessness.
…The moment she realized she was able to breathe without him, was the moment she realized she was over him. His cries for attention, his sweet words and sweeter actions were nothing but a passing fancy, nothing to ever satiate the once broken heart he left her with.
…There he was. Her elegance gave way to a quivered hand shake and quick gasp of breath before she leaned in for a kiss on the cheek and the saving face smile, “how have you been?” She really didn’t want to know if he was doing well or terribly, she wanted an exit and she wanted it quick. She swiftly maneuvered herself away trying to brush off the tears that hung close to the fake lashes and the black eyeliner. “Don’t make a mess of things”, she told herself, “carry your pride higher than your hurt and you will be able to move on”.
…He never got back to her… She waited in a frantic state of existence, pacing around, holding the cell phone, throwing it on her bed, biting at the ends of her fingers, then picking it back up again and this time throwing her listless body on the bed with the phone tightly clasped between her hands. Nothing for months happened. The sobering thought of his disappearance from her life just made her want to drunkenly forget. There was sadness in every gulp of vodka. At this point she didn’t know if she was punishing herself or crying out for his attention.
…From summer fling to a new thing, she tried everything in her power to get over him. But as weeks grew to months his thought never escaped her mind. Did she just leave behind the best love? She spoke of him to others like he was still hers, often using the present tense rather that the past to describe what he does, what he likes and what his quirky habits are. When you speak in the present of a past is that the heart saying you still want him, or is that the mind playing tricks on you?
…Those hands that she once held, lips she once kissed and eyes she once gazed into are no longer hers. Why did she allow herself to imagine him with another woman, making her laugh, smile, and feel the way she once did around him? “He belongs to me” she repeated to herself over and over as tears trickled down her skin and onto the pillow. The dark room didn’t help, the music didn’t help, and the emptiness in her heart didn’t help. Only time would.
What happened to the man she used to look up to? He dissolved with a glass of Grey Goose and every drag of the cigarette. She thought it was a temporary escape away from the wraps of the real world he is still adjusting to. Of course everything was a lot easier when all you had to do in college is just pass the class and the night was your mistress. She stood by him then, and she stood by him now. But she cannot stand by him any more.
“And then what?” the dreaded three words her friend asked her. “…and then we lived happily ever after. And you got to be the maid of honor” she wanted to reply to her. But she couldn’t bring herself to say that, because what good are her dreams without a man willing to extend that kind of a promise to her? But the seed of doubt was planted, and she couldn’t help but wonder every night, “and then what?” She became neurotic and anxious around him, throwing out subtle insinuations here and there, beginning to doubt herself as being “not good enough” beginning to doubt if he ever truly loved her, “what if there is someone else?” Her neurosis drove him further away, he sensed something was amiss, but he never asked what it was, he knew exactly, and he didn’t have the answer to “and then what?”
…She sat in the widow seat, face pinned to the double glazed glass staring at the memories she was about to leave behind. This was it, the finale. She didn’t even notice the in-flight safety video playing in the background, all she could see were the tears cascading down her face and collecting onto her new scarf, all she could hear was his voice babying her. She picked up her phone, and dialed his number, she wanted him to hear her pain through the muted conversation of sobs and jet engine roars. The tears wouldn’t stop and nor would this feeling of helplessness.
…The moment she realized she was able to breathe without him, was the moment she realized she was over him. His cries for attention, his sweet words and sweeter actions were nothing but a passing fancy, nothing to ever satiate the once broken heart he left her with.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
While the World Moves Forward, We Move in Circles.
We live in an age of dissonance. We live in a time where the search for oneself becomes an identity crisis. We live in a city where instead of finding ourselves we become the reaction of circumstances. We escape on small vacations hoping it would help rejuvenate us, but instead you come back realizing, “there has to be more to life than this”.
I have heard it too often in Jeddah amongst my friends, “What am I doing here”? You know what I realized; it has nothing to do with the city and everything to do with the birth of a new generation open to change in a place where knowledge is lopsided: “please don’t challenge or question” is the motto here. How can you carry the torch of change in a city that constrains you; your views, your opinions, and your actions are judged; if you are different you become the topic of conversation amongst shallow society. What we don’t realize is that while the rest of the world is moving forward, we spin round in circles. Expectations about our future are set by older generations, and because we have a sense of responsibility to carry forward family names we have a duty to recreate the past, rather than shape a better future.
In a social gathering not too long ago I heard someone talk about their ancestors; they came from the mountains of Yemen and are considered to be from the lineage of the “Ashraf” of Mecca. That’s wonderful history lesson but he just kept going on and on and on… with every word that came out he would inflate his chest like a proud peacock. That doesn’t make you a better man, doesn’t give you an air of superiority to bathe in, it doesn’t glorify you, it is just a nice story to hear. This is just one example of many.
We are a select and lucky few who were sent abroad and by “we” I mean those who follow my similar upbringing and path; we opened our minds, eyes and hearts to a world far more challenging than our own when we moved and studied abroad. I will be the first to admit how terrified I was, how lost I felt, I kept to myself, to my own comfort bubble. Only when I returned to the Middle East did I realize how sheltered we are, how narrow and impeding to our progression people around us are- because they don’t dare question they accept and move on. I was taught don’t be afraid to ask questions, don’t be afraid to challenge. That rarely happens here. We don’t move forward because we are locked two steps back and it’s partly because we don’t live with peace. Can you imagine Steve Jobs actually stayed in Syria rather than being adopted by American family? Let’s just say the only Apple we would know is the one we eat. We exist in a constant state of strife and war, with other countries, other political views, religions and with our selves… We don’t move forward, we spiral downwards.
Everything sacred about the human mind and heart becomes tainted here...It is human nature to question, to seek answers, to learn more to want our freedom. Jean-Jacque Rousseau once wrote "man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains" he also wrote "We are born, so to speak, twice over; born into existence, and born into life; born a human being, and born a man." The human being part, you can thank your parents for, the man part, that's the trickier one... do you want to be a man bound to chains or break the mold?
I have heard it too often in Jeddah amongst my friends, “What am I doing here”? You know what I realized; it has nothing to do with the city and everything to do with the birth of a new generation open to change in a place where knowledge is lopsided: “please don’t challenge or question” is the motto here. How can you carry the torch of change in a city that constrains you; your views, your opinions, and your actions are judged; if you are different you become the topic of conversation amongst shallow society. What we don’t realize is that while the rest of the world is moving forward, we spin round in circles. Expectations about our future are set by older generations, and because we have a sense of responsibility to carry forward family names we have a duty to recreate the past, rather than shape a better future.
In a social gathering not too long ago I heard someone talk about their ancestors; they came from the mountains of Yemen and are considered to be from the lineage of the “Ashraf” of Mecca. That’s wonderful history lesson but he just kept going on and on and on… with every word that came out he would inflate his chest like a proud peacock. That doesn’t make you a better man, doesn’t give you an air of superiority to bathe in, it doesn’t glorify you, it is just a nice story to hear. This is just one example of many.
We are a select and lucky few who were sent abroad and by “we” I mean those who follow my similar upbringing and path; we opened our minds, eyes and hearts to a world far more challenging than our own when we moved and studied abroad. I will be the first to admit how terrified I was, how lost I felt, I kept to myself, to my own comfort bubble. Only when I returned to the Middle East did I realize how sheltered we are, how narrow and impeding to our progression people around us are- because they don’t dare question they accept and move on. I was taught don’t be afraid to ask questions, don’t be afraid to challenge. That rarely happens here. We don’t move forward because we are locked two steps back and it’s partly because we don’t live with peace. Can you imagine Steve Jobs actually stayed in Syria rather than being adopted by American family? Let’s just say the only Apple we would know is the one we eat. We exist in a constant state of strife and war, with other countries, other political views, religions and with our selves… We don’t move forward, we spiral downwards.
Everything sacred about the human mind and heart becomes tainted here...It is human nature to question, to seek answers, to learn more to want our freedom. Jean-Jacque Rousseau once wrote "man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains" he also wrote "We are born, so to speak, twice over; born into existence, and born into life; born a human being, and born a man." The human being part, you can thank your parents for, the man part, that's the trickier one... do you want to be a man bound to chains or break the mold?
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
So Where to 2012? C's Econ View
Personally I find the credit crunch the major risk in 2012… the Euro bank deleveraging means tighter credit conditions as banks try to clean up their balance sheets, Europe as an economy depends more on debt than the US does (17%-30% in the Euro VS 13-15% in the US). If the world found itself in a recessionary phase post Lehman, we are sure to be tipping towards one now. And as for policy, well no policy has historically been able to successfully be implemented with real teeth in a short period. Divorce is never pretty, so a jettison of a country from the EU, such as Greece is well not really going to help solve the problem, but create a series of other. On the flip side I don’t see the Euro falling apart and a return to national currencies (yes a little premature for me to make bold claims, but this is safe territory to speak freely). As for consolidating fiscal policy and a more disciplined budget policy in the EU that is no walk in the park either, and given that both Monti and the Greek PM were not voted in but were sort of forced into their positions they don’t have popular support- talk about probably a “Euro Spring” that could come. As for the ECB, I think it’s on a covert mission to buy up peripheral Euro zone bonds to try to stabilize the markets by bringing down yields- but stabilize and not cure. I think since the issue is Sovereign in nature and not private, confidence and the markets will remain mercurial, time is def the healer of all wounds here, time and change. But the markets are just not as forgiving. I heard a guy say on CNBC that economies are either accelerating or decelerating, they don’t “muddle through”… that’s just euphemism for it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I completely agree.
Interesting time for all of us to be a part, this era, a history in the making.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
I have been asked recently why I stopped writing. May be because there’s nothing that inspires me to write, or may be if I dig deeper, it’s because I am sick of repeating myself like a broken record… but more realistically it is because I simply don’t have time. Between my “in between” or transitioning position at the bank, my tutoring and work out I am physically and mentally drained by the end of the night… I barely make it to my bed and crash before the alarm rings and then repeat. Even the weekends fly by so quickly, the next thing I know is that it’s the alarm ringing again at 8am on Saturday.
At the risk of mimicking my economic reporting style, of wrapping up 2011 and forecasting 2012, I have come to a decision to share my do’s and do not’s of 2012:
1) Do travel a lot… especially to new places. Barcelona, Florence and Paris were my destinations this year and all I can say is Europe is charming, breathtaking and sexy.
2) Do work out… I’m loving my new fit self, I have far more energy and feel incredibly good about it.
3) Do be patient… patience got me my new position or as I would like to think about it set me on the right career track and so far I am really loving it.
4) Do speak the truth when warranted… and especially when it’s a wakeup call sort of a truth.
5) Do buy an I-phone: it’s an awesome device.
6) Don’t settle for less than you deserve, be it a job, location, lover, friend… which probably leads me to the next point DO KNOW YOUR SELF WORTH, it will make figuring out what you deserve much easier.
7) Do not give a damn about how people make you feel, if you know and think you have done good, then you probably have. It’s hard to please everyone.
8) Do not wallow in self misery, it’s a slippery slope and once you slide it’s a fucking long way down.
9) Do not buy an expensive purse. Save it for something better (okay so this is more a reminder that I should hold myself back from spending).
10) Do not over think but don’t be impulsive either- try to find the right balance.
11) Do not waste time with people who don’t treat you with same amount of respect or appreciation.
12) Do not make a huge decision and go back on it… see #9 that might help.
They may all sound a little too much like a self help book, or 7 Habits of Living a Young Adult Life in 21st century, but that’s the best I can do for now. If you wish for me to expand on one of those points, I would be more than happy to.
Till then, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
At the risk of mimicking my economic reporting style, of wrapping up 2011 and forecasting 2012, I have come to a decision to share my do’s and do not’s of 2012:
1) Do travel a lot… especially to new places. Barcelona, Florence and Paris were my destinations this year and all I can say is Europe is charming, breathtaking and sexy.
2) Do work out… I’m loving my new fit self, I have far more energy and feel incredibly good about it.
3) Do be patient… patience got me my new position or as I would like to think about it set me on the right career track and so far I am really loving it.
4) Do speak the truth when warranted… and especially when it’s a wakeup call sort of a truth.
5) Do buy an I-phone: it’s an awesome device.
6) Don’t settle for less than you deserve, be it a job, location, lover, friend… which probably leads me to the next point DO KNOW YOUR SELF WORTH, it will make figuring out what you deserve much easier.
7) Do not give a damn about how people make you feel, if you know and think you have done good, then you probably have. It’s hard to please everyone.
8) Do not wallow in self misery, it’s a slippery slope and once you slide it’s a fucking long way down.
9) Do not buy an expensive purse. Save it for something better (okay so this is more a reminder that I should hold myself back from spending).
10) Do not over think but don’t be impulsive either- try to find the right balance.
11) Do not waste time with people who don’t treat you with same amount of respect or appreciation.
12) Do not make a huge decision and go back on it… see #9 that might help.
They may all sound a little too much like a self help book, or 7 Habits of Living a Young Adult Life in 21st century, but that’s the best I can do for now. If you wish for me to expand on one of those points, I would be more than happy to.
Till then, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
A Rock & A Hard Place
It’s sometimes hard to admit that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, especially when you could have outright avoided that situation. But you fucked up and this time it might bite you in the ass- and leave a nice mark and scar to remind you of it.
In situations such as these, the worst thing you could do it turn a blind eye or even worse live is disillusionment, because eventually things will go belly up, and when that happens, now you are stuck in between a rock and a hard place and laying capsized on the floor like a roach- that image alone is worrisome, if not altogether extremely deadly.
The best thing you could do is assess the situation and see to an exit route that will reap the least amount of risks and emotional (or physical) pain. Be ready for a rude awakening, yes ruder than the one you had to go through realizing you are in the mess you are in. Hold on tight, ladies and gents, you are in for one hell of a ride…. So back on track to the “rescue plan” and assessment- be prepared to be bombarded by judgment, abandonment, and possible rejection, and be prepared to shield yourself from prying eyes and even worse pitying souls. It’s ugly, you almost want to give this job up to a hitman or pay off some mafia to just annihilate the situation- unfortunately those options are not feasible, and if they are then please leave me their numbers in the comment box below would love to get in touch.
Point is deal with it, deal with it as gracefully as Kelly and as strong as the men from Sparta and as intelligently as George Bush Jr. (I really couldn’t think of an extremely intelligent person felt the irony would be comic relief)- you just might surprise yourself.
In situations such as these, the worst thing you could do it turn a blind eye or even worse live is disillusionment, because eventually things will go belly up, and when that happens, now you are stuck in between a rock and a hard place and laying capsized on the floor like a roach- that image alone is worrisome, if not altogether extremely deadly.
The best thing you could do is assess the situation and see to an exit route that will reap the least amount of risks and emotional (or physical) pain. Be ready for a rude awakening, yes ruder than the one you had to go through realizing you are in the mess you are in. Hold on tight, ladies and gents, you are in for one hell of a ride…. So back on track to the “rescue plan” and assessment- be prepared to be bombarded by judgment, abandonment, and possible rejection, and be prepared to shield yourself from prying eyes and even worse pitying souls. It’s ugly, you almost want to give this job up to a hitman or pay off some mafia to just annihilate the situation- unfortunately those options are not feasible, and if they are then please leave me their numbers in the comment box below would love to get in touch.
Point is deal with it, deal with it as gracefully as Kelly and as strong as the men from Sparta and as intelligently as George Bush Jr. (I really couldn’t think of an extremely intelligent person felt the irony would be comic relief)- you just might surprise yourself.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Step One: Start from the Beginning
In my ever failing attempt to start and finish a novel, or something that resembles one, a task that began many years ago, I have decided to continue posting a few exerts, every now and again, so that one day I may muster up the courage to have something to show a publishing house. I see the below piece as being the opening to the novel, though that too may change with time...
Your comments are more than welcomed.
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Today was supposed to be like any other mundane Monday, except that it wasn’t. She felt unsettled. It might have everything to do with the unspoken words left lingering at the tip of her tongue yesterday, the ones she has been keeping entrapped inside her for so long- recycling between her mind and heart. There was always something that prevented her from saying them, not out of fear of change, but fearing that nothing will change.
Somewhere between a hapless dream and a stringent reality she discovered that she has been docked here too long. The tides have risen and fallen, moons have waxed and waned, summers gave way to fallen leaves, winter chills and spring blossoms, and yet she remains immersed in a drowning dream- a few heaps of breath to resurrect life here and there, but nothing to ever satiate…
She once reigned victorious over her dreams and scenes, knowing exactly where she was going and where she ought to be. But slowly, like fallen petals of a dying rose, she began to lose sight of her fixated target; lines that were once solid now became blurred and indiscriminant, everything was acceptable and yet nothing was. Welcome to adulthood.
“How do you kill love?” That was the question that kept replaying in her mind, she didn’t mean it to be rhetorical; it was action heavy.” It’s simple,” came an ominous voice, “kill its lifeline: hope”.
A sudden fleeting moment of clam overcame her as she danced in memory of the days when even cloud nine was so far down below and her smile never parted her lips for a second except to steal a kiss. Blissful happiness was euphoric.
The title of the article she had been meaning to write was staring right back at her, “Discovering the Heart Behind the Red Sole”. It was a piece she had to write about Louboutin, the iconic and celebrated shoe guru, but she couldn’t find the inspiration today, today was a day of mourning her red soul, not celebrating his painted one.
Your comments are more than welcomed.
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Today was supposed to be like any other mundane Monday, except that it wasn’t. She felt unsettled. It might have everything to do with the unspoken words left lingering at the tip of her tongue yesterday, the ones she has been keeping entrapped inside her for so long- recycling between her mind and heart. There was always something that prevented her from saying them, not out of fear of change, but fearing that nothing will change.
Somewhere between a hapless dream and a stringent reality she discovered that she has been docked here too long. The tides have risen and fallen, moons have waxed and waned, summers gave way to fallen leaves, winter chills and spring blossoms, and yet she remains immersed in a drowning dream- a few heaps of breath to resurrect life here and there, but nothing to ever satiate…
She once reigned victorious over her dreams and scenes, knowing exactly where she was going and where she ought to be. But slowly, like fallen petals of a dying rose, she began to lose sight of her fixated target; lines that were once solid now became blurred and indiscriminant, everything was acceptable and yet nothing was. Welcome to adulthood.
“How do you kill love?” That was the question that kept replaying in her mind, she didn’t mean it to be rhetorical; it was action heavy.” It’s simple,” came an ominous voice, “kill its lifeline: hope”.
A sudden fleeting moment of clam overcame her as she danced in memory of the days when even cloud nine was so far down below and her smile never parted her lips for a second except to steal a kiss. Blissful happiness was euphoric.
The title of the article she had been meaning to write was staring right back at her, “Discovering the Heart Behind the Red Sole”. It was a piece she had to write about Louboutin, the iconic and celebrated shoe guru, but she couldn’t find the inspiration today, today was a day of mourning her red soul, not celebrating his painted one.
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